


motivation

by NicoAndTheNineGalaxies



Series: Vent Fics [17]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Forehead Kisses, Hopeful Ending, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I think?, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Josh Dun is a Sweetheart, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Triggers, listen this fic is literally just me venting okay, that tag is always relevant tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25382980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies/pseuds/NicoAndTheNineGalaxies
Summary: Tyler exhaled shakily and set his mug down on the counter beside the coffee machine, far harder than he’d meant to.  He had slipped out of Josh’s arms and into the kitchen, fully intending to make enough coffee to make him feel better about waking up at four in the morning, and instead of coffee, all he got were flashbacks.
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Series: Vent Fics [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1287113
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	motivation

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is largely based on my own experiences with sexual assault. It's a vent fic and the second part in my aftermath series - you don't have to read the first part, but I'd recommend it. The trigger warnings are in the tags, so make sure you read those.
> 
> https://www.rainn.org/
> 
> https://www.nsvrc.org/
> 
> https://www.acf.hhs.gov/trauma-toolkit/victims-of-sexual-abuse
> 
> If you've been raped or sexually assaulted, the most important thing I can say is that it was absolutely NOT your fault. The way someone acts or dresses doesn't cause rape - rapists do. And it's always, always, always okay to say no, even if you're in a relationship with someone.
> 
> Okay, now that I've said that, I hope you enjoy this fic and that you're taking care of yourself <3
> 
> Nico x

_ “Come on, Tyler. For me?” _

Tyler exhaled shakily and set his mug down on the counter beside the coffee machine, far harder than he’d meant to. He had slipped out of Josh’s arms and into the kitchen, fully intending to make enough coffee to make him feel better about waking up at four in the morning, and instead of coffee, all he got were flashbacks.

_ Hands on his thighs, lips on his neck. Hands and lips that he didn’t push away. Never saying yes, but never saying no, either, and did that mean that it was his fault after all? _

It had been  _ seven months, _ for God’s sake, and he still swore he could physically feel the phantom touch of unwanted skin on skin. He squeezed his eyes shut as tightly as possible, as if that could block it out, trying to steady himself with his free hand on the counter, though he was shaking and he felt as if he was going to be sick.

Then he felt his fingers being unwrapped from the handle of his mug and he opened his eyes.

“Josh,” he managed, his voice just as shaky as his arms.

“Hey, Ty,” Josh replied, quiet, soothing, and even, his hand trailing lightly over Tyler’s forearm as he made his way over to the coffee machine. “Coffee?”

Tyler nodded jerkily, just once.

It had been a month since Josh had found out, and since then, he’d begun learning how to help Tyler on days like this, days when everything hit a little too hard and all he could really do was drift between the present and the past.

Josh pressed the mug back into Tyler’s hand, filled with coffee, a little bit of sugar, and plenty of milk. Almost robotically, Tyler took a sip.

“Good?”

“Yeah,” Tyler said. “Thanks.”

“Do you want to sit down?”

Tyler just nodded, and Josh took his free hand, leading him to the kitchen table and pulling out a chair. Tyler sat, keeping his gaze fixed on the mug in his hands as Josh sat down beside him.

“I didn’t - I didn’t want him to - I didn’t want any of it.” Tyler’s voice broke and he looked up at Josh, desperate for him to understand. “You know that, right?”

Josh’s hand tightened ever so slightly on Tyler’s. “Yeah, Ty, I know.”

_ “Next time, you should be a little more confident. It’ll be better that way.” _

_ Tyler had cringed at the implication of a “next time.” _

They sat in silence as Tyler finished his coffee. Every time Tyler’s thoughts started to drift, Josh would squeeze his hand, and it helped to bring him back to their apartment rather than wherever his memories were trying to take him. With one of his hands in Josh’s and the other holding tightly to his mug, he was prevented from scratching at every patch of skin where he could still feel those hands on him, and though he wished he could do  _ something, _ he still had the sting of the scratches on his neck left over from the last time he’d had a day like this.

_ “I - I’m not feeling well. I think I should just go home.” _

_ “That’s too bad. Call me when you feel better and maybe we can have some fun then.” _

“I’m cold,” Tyler said quietly once his mug was empty, though he wasn’t - he just felt too exposed, too vulnerable, in his T-shirt and his thin pajama pants. “Could I borrow one of your hoodies?”

Josh’s eyes were soft as he offered Tyler a gentle smile. “Yeah. Just let me go grab one.”

He disappeared into their bedroom, but he returned only a minute or two later with a thick, black hoodie that had unofficially become Tyler’s when they’d started dating. Tyler accepted it gratefully and pulled it on over his head, some of the tension in his shoulders easing as he let the sleeves fall over his hands. It smelled like Josh, which helped. “Thank you.”

Josh pressed a kiss to his temple before sitting back down and taking Tyler’s hand again. He didn’t flinch from the touch. “No problem.”

_ He could feel fingers tracing down his spine and he shifted away from the touch. “Stop it, don’t touch me.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ Tyler couldn’t bring himself to say that it was because he hated how vulnerable it made him feel. “I...I’m ticklish. You know that.” _

_ “Is that really the reason?” _

_ Tyler just looked away. _

_ “I thought so.” _

_ The hand on his back drifted lower and Tyler’s heart stopped. _

“You want to lay down?” Josh suggested, wiping away a tear on Tyler’s cheek with his thumb. He hadn’t even realized that he’d been crying. “It’s still early.”

“Yeah,” he murmured. “I feel like I’m going to be sick.”

Josh stood and Tyler followed him back into their room, burying himself under three blankets, as if that could protect him from his own racing thoughts. Josh grabbed a book off of the nightstand and sat down next to Tyler under a separate blanket, careful not to get too close.

“What are you reading?” Tyler asked after a moment.

“Paper Towns.”

“...Read to me?”

Josh smiled and started reading out loud, and Tyler just reminded himself to breathe.

“Ty, wake up.”

Tyler opened his eyes and the first thing he registered was that, though his dreams had been odd and confusing, they hadn’t been nightmares. The second thing he registered was that his head was in Josh’s lap, with one of Josh’s hands running through his hair. “What time is it?”

“Around one. Are you feeling better?”

Tyler half-shrugged. “A little.”

“Do you think you could eat something? I would’ve suggested it earlier, but I figured you needed the sleep. Any nightmares?”

Tyler shook his head and Josh beamed.

“That’s great. So, food?” Josh pulled his hand from Tyler’s hair, cradling the side of his face instead and leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. “I’ll make you some toast, if you want.”

Tyler hesitated. “You - you don’t have to.”

“I know.”

He held Josh’s gaze for a long moment before looking away, reaching up to Josh’s hand on his cheek and threading their fingers together. “Okay. I’d like that.”

Tyler sat down at the kitchen table, wrapping his arms around himself, searching for something resembling a sense of safety. It was easier to just stay in bed, with the grounding weight and comfort of the blankets on top of him, but Josh was right - he did need to eat, even though he still felt sick.

The toaster dinged, but Tyler didn’t look up. He could hear the sound of a knife on toast, and it wasn’t long before there was a plate in front of him and then a hand on his lower back.

He jerked away from the touch, his anxiety spiking, and turned, seeing Josh standing beside him, concern in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just - please don’t touch me there.”

“Of course, Ty. Sorry.” Josh quickly retracted his hand, sitting down beside Tyler instead. “Thank you for letting me know.”

Tyler felt some of the tension ease in his shoulders and he picked up a piece of his toast, slathered with strawberry jam. His hands were still shaking - honestly, when  _ wasn’t _ he shaking? - but he took a bite anyway. It tasted bland, but he offered Josh a smile and a quiet thanks, hoping he’d know that the effort was appreciated.

Josh returned his smile, albeit a little sadly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Tyler shrugged, continuing to nibble on his toast in between sentences. “It - it doesn’t matter, it’s just that - well, I’ve never really liked it when people touch my back, since it makes me feel kind of vulnerable. But my ex, he thought it was...funny, I guess, that I would get uncomfortable when he touched me like that.”

“He thought it was funny,” Josh echoed, and his tone was measured and even, but the look in his eyes was fiery and furious. “Tyler, that’s so messed up.”

“I know.”

“If you don’t mind me asking...have you seen him since you broke up?”

“No. I mean, I’m usually either here or at work, and it’s not like he ever made a habit of visiting me there.”

“Okay. Is there anything I can do for you?”

Tyler shook his head. “I just don’t want to have to think right now.”

Josh took Tyler’s free hand in his, squeezing it gently. “That’s alright, Ty.”

Though he bit back the sob rising in his throat, Tyler couldn’t quite stop the tears gathering in his eyes. There was such a contrast between the voices and phantom hands in his head and Josh’s constant, unwavering support that it was nearly overwhelming. “Thank you,” he managed, his voice strained and quiet, paying no attention to the tears now dripping down his cheeks.

Josh didn’t seem to be paying any attention to the tears either, and for that, Tyler was glad.

The rest of the day went by as smoothly as they could’ve hoped. Josh found reruns of some old sitcom on TV and Tyler brought his ukulele and a notebook into the living room, strumming idly and occasionally jotting down disjointed lyrics, lines, and chord progressions when he thought of them. Writing a full song wasn’t a good idea on his bad days, but those days gave him inspiration that he could come back to when he had the energy and motivation to do so.

They ate dinner at six and Tyler felt a little less nauseous.

“Hey, Josh?” Tyler began as they were finally settling into bed for the night. “I’m...I’m going to schedule something with my therapist tomorrow. And I’m actually going to go, and I’m actually going to talk about it.”

Josh smiled and pressed a kiss to Tyler’s forehead, murmuring something that Tyler couldn’t quite make out - except for the words “love” and “proud.”

And, well, that was all the motivation Tyler needed.


End file.
